ready? set? go!

It’s really easy to get a child to do something they don’t want to do. All you have to do is say the magic words: "I'll time you. Ready? GO!" Instinctively the kid will storm out of the room to complete the task at hand. I know this for a fact because I was one of those kids. The more this occurred, the more I became delusional when faced with a challenge. My mind would conjure up the most absurd fantasies that had ever existed. Like when I was supposed to do my chores around the house, I pretended that I was training for the 200 yard vacuum dash, or that I was a world class speed-duster. I was damn good too. I would have won a medal in the '88 Olympics if it weren't for those Swiss and French kids who were ingesting illegal amounts of chocolate and coffee. There was no way I could have ingested enough Hershey's and Mountain Dew to compete against those foreign kids who had access to Toblerones and triple shot espressos.

I now know that it was just a clever way of motivating me to do something that I was supposed to do anyways. And, I'm pretty sure that the time I was given upon completion of a task was simply made up. But, my competitive nature grew from those childhood experiences.

Now that I am older I have realized how much I miss doing ordinary tasks by pretending I am an astronaut or cowboy. So, to jazz-up my mundane job I have adopted this mentality once again. That is why I am proud to officially announce my bid to be a member of the US Office-Olympic Team. For the next three years I will be training to participate in two events for the 2008 Office-Olympics in Beijing: The 200 yard Fax-and-Dash relay, and the Individual-Filing-Medley.

For those of you who are not familiar with the events let me give you a brief overview: The 200 yard Fax-and-Dash relay - This event requires a team of 4 athletes to run 25 yards to and from a fax machine while carrying a 20 page document. Once the athlete reaches the fax machine he or she is required to fax the document to the judges table. After the fax has gone through the athlete runs the document back to the next individual on the team who repeats the process. The document must be sent a total of four times to the judge and be faxed in order. Any team that faxes the document out of order will incur a 2 minute penalty for each page mis-faxed. The team with the fastest time wins. The Individual-Filing-Medley - A stack of 100 files are randomly placed in order and given to the athlete who then has to organize the files into numerical order (smallest file number to largest file number). Once the files are verified to be in order by the judges the athlete then has to place each file into the corresponding folder located within one of two 5-drawer filing cabinets. A misplaced file results in a 2 minute time penalty and each paper cut suffered by the athlete results in a 1 minute time penalty. The fastest time wins.

I secretly started training two weeks ago and have found my strongest event to be the Individual-Filing-Medley. The training has not been easy though. On a number of occasions I have been rushed to the hospital for emergency Neosporin and Band-Aide treatment because of severe gushing paper-cuts. Now, I’m not trying to act overly tough about it. It just comes with the territory and I’ll wear these scars as a symbol of my dedication.

The best thing about the Office-Olympics is that the IOC allows athletes to use office-stimulants (i.e. coffee, tea, soda, dounuts) to enhance performance. So, to maintain my competitive edge I have started a strict coffee-training-diet to help improve my mental sharpness. Right now I'm up to 6 cups a day and am aiming for 10 by the time mid-summer arrives. The only side effect has been the constant twitching of my hands. It isn't too much of a problem though, but I do have a hell of a time trying to type and maneuver my mouse to a specific spot on my monitor.

Well, I’ve done enough procrastinating for the day. I must get back to my rigorous training.

(outtro music)
Risin' up, back on the street
Did my time, took my chances
Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet
Just a man and his will to survive