science solves.........

Since the young age of five I have been plagued by one of the world’s oldest riddles. I have spent many sleepless nights with my nose in books searching for answers. And, because the balance of the universe hangs on the answer I have never admitted defeat.

My friends, the riddle has been solved. The Rosetta Stone has translated the final text. And I can now share my new found wisdom with you.

Why don’t all of the kernels pop when making popcorn? The answer is in the shell.

For those of you who are fans of Old Maids I apologize for this discovery. In my research I have found that the key to having a perfectly popped kernel is the percentage of moisture (about 15 %) in the center of the kernel. When heating the kernel the pressure inside builds until it explodes producing the fluffy white treat.

To my surprise, not all kernels are created equally. Those that produce Old Maids have deficient shells which allow moisture to escape. Depending on the amount of moisture lost a kernel might partially pop or not pop at all.

What does this discovery mean to our society? It means everything. It means we can genetically weed out those kernels with weak shells. It means that we can more efficiently pop popcorn. It means that there will be better quality popcorn for every man, woman, and child. And, it means fewer trips to the dentist because of cracked teeth.

It is truly a good time to be alive

office jargon: word of the day

Percussive Maintenance

per-cus-sive main-te-nance

Adj/ Noun (not really sure which one, your choice)
Pronunciation: p&r-'k&-siv 'mAn-t&n-&n(t)s

Definition: To physically take ones frustration out on a broken electronic device.

"The jammed fax machine was percussively maintained by Jimmy."
"Jane's percussive maintenance of her phone led to the office fire."

one

In college I took a few classes in Leadership Studies. The classes were all taught by the same teacher and even shared some of the same classroom exercises. One that stands out in my mind was more or less an informal debate designed to get people to speak up and voice an opinion. The basic premises of the exercise was:

A torch is traveling across the country and is being carried by a person. The torchbearer only carries the torch for so long and then passes it off to the next torchbearer in line.

As a class we have the choice of either blowing out the torch or letting the torchbearer continue on with his or her journey.

If we blow the torch out the world will have 100 years of peace, but blowing out the torch also kills the torchbearer.

If we do not blow out the torch then the torch continues on and is passed to the next torchbearer.

At the start of the discussion we were given no information about who the torchbearer is. But, each time the torch was passed the story would provide more information. Throughout the debate the torchbearer ranges from an average ordinary citizen, a woman dying of cancer, a murderer, a rapist, etc.

For most people in the class the focus was on whether or not to kill the torchbearer. Did they want the blood on their hands or not? The reward for doing so was quite nice. 100 years of world peace! How can you beat that? But as the discussion progressed I realized that everyone had a different view of what world peace meant. Some said that all violence would end, others said that all diseases would be cured, and some said that poverty would end. After running through this exercise a few times I got really good at stating my opinion... and pissing people off too.

This utopia that you all have created sounds great. I can actually picture all the rainbows in the sky and the unicorns prancing through the unpolluted fields. Oh, look over there. Off in the distance everyone is holding hands and singing "I want to buy the World a Coke!" I hate to say this but you are all wrong. This is not an issue of if we kill the torchbearer. Its about what the 100 years of world peace would really be like. None of you can guarantee that your vision would come true. There is just no certainty in anything. If you are looking to cure diseases and help those in poverty why not put some actual effort into doing that right now? Go join the Peace Corps. But no, you all are too lazy to actually do something on your own. You just want a quick fix for all of the worlds problems. What's to say that after the 100 years of peace that it would not just switch back to how it was before?

To which a fellow student replied "Don't you think that after 100 years of peace that that way of life would be instilled within everyone and they would just want to continue living in peace?"

I responded No! If a magical wizard can instantly change the world from what it is today to a world that is at peace then I can easily see that same wizard switching it back at the snap of finger, regardless of what the people of the world are comfortable with. If you really want world peace I challenge you to do something today about it. Don't be a hypocrite and say "Yeah, I'm for world peace" when you actually do nothing to help. If we all were to leave this classroom today and go out and do one thing to help one person and then that one person goes and helps one person the effect over the next 100 years could be huge.

Last night while I was watching TV there was a commercial with a bunch of celebrities talking about helping to end poverty and AIDS and starvation etc. I started to ignore it, but then I decided to check out their website (www.one.org). In order to not be a hypocrite myself I looked over what the organization was all about. There are some things I like and there are some things I don't like. But all in all I feel that this organization is making a step in the right direction to help change the world without having to blow the torch out. So, check out their website and see what you can do to help make a difference.

Ok, I'll get down from my soap box now.

land of 10,000 bad drivers

I almost got run over by some idiot yesterday. I was outside wandering the streets of St Paul during my 30 minutes of freedom (better known as a lunch break) and was crossing a street in, of all places, a crosswalk.

Go figure, right? A pedestrian in the crosswalk? Crossing the street with the crosswalk light? Wow, that is truly amazing!

The driver of said vehicle was not paying attention and tried to perform a rolling stop through a red light so that he could turn left from a one way street onto another one way street. This guy had no excuse for his lack of awareness. He wasn't even yapping on his cell phone. He was just trying as hard as he possibly could to focus on driving, and obviously not doing a very good job of it. I firmly believe that what I witnessed was enough evidence to only allow this guy to operate a 50cc Vespa scooter. That way he won't be able drive faster than 30 miles per hour, making the streets of St Paul more safe.

Regardless, the individual's lack of driving skills is truly another topic for another day. What amazed me the most was my reaction to the situation.

Most people would hysterically recall the incident as "Their life flashed before their eyes."

Me? Well, I threw dagger-eyes at the driver while thinking "You better stop, or else..."

Once the vehicle came to a complete stop, I verbalized my disapproval with a well chosen one-way dialogue, in hopes of bring his derelict driving behavior to his attention:

"I do say chap, you about knocked me out of my knickers. You, my good man, should pay more attention to your motoring. Well, cherri-o."

(Actually, that is not even close to the obscenities that I spewed at the driver. But to keep this G rated I decided to go British oh him.)

Back to my point. Did the driver stop because he saw me? I'm fairly certain that he did not. He was looking for cross traffic to the right (which there was not), turning the steering wheel counter-clockwise, preparing to execute a left-hand turn, and then stopped half way into the crosswalk. What made him stop? The only logical conclusion must be that he telepathically picked up on my dagger-eyes and thoughts.

This got me thinking: Do I have super-human-mind-control powers?

I had to find out. After lunch I focused my new found talent on willing my boss to give me a raise.

No dice.

OK, so maybe that was just too ambitious of a place to start. Next, I focused on my co-worker and attempted to get her to stop complaining about her kids.

Again, no luck.

I guess that means I don't have any special powers. Unless my special powers are to make people aware of how bad they drive. And, if that's the case, I am the man for the job!

ready? set? go!

It’s really easy to get a child to do something they don’t want to do. All you have to do is say the magic words: "I'll time you. Ready? GO!" Instinctively the kid will storm out of the room to complete the task at hand. I know this for a fact because I was one of those kids. The more this occurred, the more I became delusional when faced with a challenge. My mind would conjure up the most absurd fantasies that had ever existed. Like when I was supposed to do my chores around the house, I pretended that I was training for the 200 yard vacuum dash, or that I was a world class speed-duster. I was damn good too. I would have won a medal in the '88 Olympics if it weren't for those Swiss and French kids who were ingesting illegal amounts of chocolate and coffee. There was no way I could have ingested enough Hershey's and Mountain Dew to compete against those foreign kids who had access to Toblerones and triple shot espressos.

I now know that it was just a clever way of motivating me to do something that I was supposed to do anyways. And, I'm pretty sure that the time I was given upon completion of a task was simply made up. But, my competitive nature grew from those childhood experiences.

Now that I am older I have realized how much I miss doing ordinary tasks by pretending I am an astronaut or cowboy. So, to jazz-up my mundane job I have adopted this mentality once again. That is why I am proud to officially announce my bid to be a member of the US Office-Olympic Team. For the next three years I will be training to participate in two events for the 2008 Office-Olympics in Beijing: The 200 yard Fax-and-Dash relay, and the Individual-Filing-Medley.

For those of you who are not familiar with the events let me give you a brief overview: The 200 yard Fax-and-Dash relay - This event requires a team of 4 athletes to run 25 yards to and from a fax machine while carrying a 20 page document. Once the athlete reaches the fax machine he or she is required to fax the document to the judges table. After the fax has gone through the athlete runs the document back to the next individual on the team who repeats the process. The document must be sent a total of four times to the judge and be faxed in order. Any team that faxes the document out of order will incur a 2 minute penalty for each page mis-faxed. The team with the fastest time wins. The Individual-Filing-Medley - A stack of 100 files are randomly placed in order and given to the athlete who then has to organize the files into numerical order (smallest file number to largest file number). Once the files are verified to be in order by the judges the athlete then has to place each file into the corresponding folder located within one of two 5-drawer filing cabinets. A misplaced file results in a 2 minute time penalty and each paper cut suffered by the athlete results in a 1 minute time penalty. The fastest time wins.

I secretly started training two weeks ago and have found my strongest event to be the Individual-Filing-Medley. The training has not been easy though. On a number of occasions I have been rushed to the hospital for emergency Neosporin and Band-Aide treatment because of severe gushing paper-cuts. Now, I’m not trying to act overly tough about it. It just comes with the territory and I’ll wear these scars as a symbol of my dedication.

The best thing about the Office-Olympics is that the IOC allows athletes to use office-stimulants (i.e. coffee, tea, soda, dounuts) to enhance performance. So, to maintain my competitive edge I have started a strict coffee-training-diet to help improve my mental sharpness. Right now I'm up to 6 cups a day and am aiming for 10 by the time mid-summer arrives. The only side effect has been the constant twitching of my hands. It isn't too much of a problem though, but I do have a hell of a time trying to type and maneuver my mouse to a specific spot on my monitor.

Well, I’ve done enough procrastinating for the day. I must get back to my rigorous training.

(outtro music)
Risin' up, back on the street
Did my time, took my chances
Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet
Just a man and his will to survive